Medical Puns

Groaner Warning - Geometrically Progressive Too

Alimentary: What Sherlock Holmes said to Dr. Watson.
Attenuate: What Bo Derek says to less attractive women.
Barium - What you do when the patient dies 
Benign: What we want when we are eight.
Bunion - Paul's surname 
Carpal: Someone you drive to work with.
Castrate: The going price for setting a fracture.
Cauterize: What the intern did before he winked at his date.
Constipation - Endangered feces 
Coronary - Domesticated Yellow Bird 
Cystogram: A wire sent to your sister.
D&C - Where Washington is 
Denial: Where Cleopatra used to swim.
Dilate: To live long.
Elixir: What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone.
Enema - Opposite of a friend 
Fibrillate - To tell a small lie 
Fundi: What Princess Diana was before she met Charles.
Hernia - Pertaining to a female's knee 
Hippocampus: Where a hippo gets a degree.
Humerus - To tell us what we want to hear 
Inbred: The best way to have your jam.
Intern: One after the other.
Intestine - Currently taking an exam 
Migraine: What a Russian farmer now says about his harvest.
Nitrate: What MTNL charges after eight PM.
Node - Was aware of 
Outpatient - A person who has fainted 
Ova - Finished; done with 
Pap Smear - To slander your father 
Paradox - Two doctors 
Penis - Someone who plays the piano 
Pons: A popular face cream.
Rectum - Dang near killed him 
Sacrum - Holy 
Seizure - Roman Emperor 
Sperm - To reject, look away from 
Testes: What you order when you don't know what the patient has.
Tolerance: What you get if you give growth hormone to ants.
Urinate: What a nurse would say if a patient asked her what room he's in.
Urine - The opposite of "You're out!" 
Vertigo: How foreigners ask for directions.
White Count - The number of caucasians 



ANALLY: occurring yearly 
ANTIBODY: against everyone 
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings 
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria 
BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones 
BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes 
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U 
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome 
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing 
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty 
COLIC: a sheep dog 
COMA: a punctuation mark 
CONGENITAL: friendly 
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse 
ENTERITIS: a penchant for burglary 
ER: the things on your head that you hear with 
FESTER: quicker 
FIBULA: a small lie 
GENES: blue denim slacks 
G.I. SERIES: baseball games between teams of soldiers 
GRIPPE: what you do to a suitcase 
HANGNAIL: a coathook 
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space 
HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room 
HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid 
ICU: peek-a-boo 
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known 
INPATIENT: tired of waiting 
INTENSE PAIN: torture in a teepee 
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work 
MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor's cane 
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's 
MORBID: a higher offer 
NITRATE: lower than day rate 
NODE: was aware of 
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move 
ORGANIC: church musician 
OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted 
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories 
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go 
PELVIS: cousin of Elvis 
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture 
PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert 
POST-OPERATIVE: a mail deliverer 
PROSTATE: flat on your back 
PROTEIN: in favour of young people 
RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture 
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula 
RHEUMATIC: amorous 
SALINE: where you go on your boyfriend's boat 
SCAR: rolled tobacco leaf 
SECRETION: hiding anything 
SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood 
SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptable power supply 
STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire 
TABLET: a small table 
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport 
TIBIA: country in North Africa 
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak 
TUMOR: an extra pair 
VARICOSE: very close 
VEIN: conceited